Hot Lips

YOU CANNOT POSSESS ME!

Online dating. I can’t even say it without making a face. I know, I know. EVERYONE meets via the Internet these days. My best friend in California met her husband on a now defunct online dating site. He’s absolutely perfect. My best friend in New York met her husband through eHarmony. He’s absolutely perfect with an adorable accent. My brother’s daughter’s BFF met her perfect match on Match.com. The 22-year-old kid who drove me to Enterprise last week to pick up my rental car spent 7 miles and 14 minutes telling me about how he’d met his equally gorgeous wife on Plenty of Fish. You can’t throw a rock without hitting a successful (?) online dating story these days. 

I get it. It’s the only hope for a girl over 35. Without it, I’m destined to roam the earth in sensible shoes and solitude. Or so I’ve been told.

And I’ve caved. Twice. Once for my NYC BFF when she didn’t want to go it alone. She met her husband, an endearing man who shares her love of dogs, expensive pens, and world travel. I met the guy who cleaned his ears with his keys. And then again a few months ago when a well-intentioned family member threatened to write an online dating profile if I didn’t. Her rule: I could pick any dating website as long as I gave it 100% for three months. And then she would never. mention it. again.

Pfffttttt! Done.

So I signed up for three months and sites. This way there would be no take backs from said family member in the future. And spent hours…days…completing questionnaires, creating profiles, uploading photos.

$149, 100%, and three months later…I had this to show for it: the guy who took a picture of himself in the shower, the guy who {I’m convinced} had one of the prison guards take his headshot, 27 guys who wanted a girl who would bungee jump, jump out of an airplane, space jump, or jump into bed with them, the very nice colonoscopy guy, and the guy who picked me up for a date with what I swear was an entire warehouse pallet of toilet paper in his backseat. 

Here’s the thing: I’m sure they were all very nice men whose mothers love them. I genuinely applaud anyone who is willing to put himself out there. But online dating is just not for me. 

I can almost hear you now. “But I don’t have time to date. It’s the only way busy people can meet people.” Let’s just look at that rationally. The time it takes to create a profile, take and upload photos, and respond to matches is exponentially more time than what you’d spend bumping into your potential soulmate. I saw a Kit Kat commercial the other day. Kit Kat is coming out with a bite-size version for “when you’re too busy to take a break” and eat the full-size. People. Listen to yourselves. If you’re too busy to shovel some chocolate into your mouth, there’s something very wrong. If you’re too busy to spend one night a week outside your house, then I say you need to re-evaluate.  

And spare me all the “I would never have had the opportunity to run into him if we hadn’t met online.” Or “it matches you based on exactly what you want in a partner.” Give me any argument you have for online dating and I’ll give you an equally compelling argument in the other direction. 

I’m sure eHarmony is going to start sending dead fish to my house once they get a whiff of this post, but I’m not scared. How incredibly awkward and unnatural is it to write an ad…about yourself?!? Where do I even begin? “Hi, I’m Elizabeth. I’m 41 and still get carded at R-rated movies. My hobbies include alphabetizing kitchen pantries, antique shopping, endurance kissing, kickboxing, taking candids of my dog, watching documentaries, and listening to Buddy Holly and/or techno while cleaning every inch of my beloved apartment. Three things my friends would say about me are: I’m funny, I friend my waiters on Facebook, and in college, I was voted the person most likely to make you feel like a million bucks and slightly uncomfortable at the same time.” See? IT’S NOT NATURAL! 

And another thing: How cart-before-the-horse is it to go on a date when you’re expecting something to come from it? When you meet someone in person, it’s simple. Spark – let’s go on a date. No spark – let’s just stand in the elevator and look at the floors change until the doors open. I just think the spark should come before the horse.     

And I just don’t buy that there is NO OTHER WAY to meet men these days. Here are the more interesting ways I’ve met men:

  • On a ranch two hours from my house {and out in the middle of freakin’ nowhere}. While visiting with my family. He measured my water and watched me do Jane Fonda’s aerobics in his living room. I was 15 and he was my first love. If I’d married him, I would have been Elizabeth Taylor. And divorced.
  • In the home of my then-fiance {Don’t worry…I would never cheat}. The fiance and I broke up, the fiance’s friend and I stayed friends…and then he shocked the hell out of me a few months later when he professed his feelings. I didn’t see it coming, which was actually kind of awesome.  
  • Running over a guy with my car. Well, not actually his person, but his truck and trailer carrying $2500 worth of landscaping equipment. While I was car dancing to Depeche Mode.
  • In the grocery store
  • In the video store 
  • And outside a Dillard’s department store dressing room after a sales clerk named Debbie pulled my number out of her bra and handed it to one of the store managers. After she’d asked for my number and stuffed it in her bra. After he followed me up to the second floor. After I ran into him on a Wednesday afternoon in the shoe department and he asked me how I was doing and I said not too well because, according to an article I’d just read, women look their worst on Wednesdays at 3:30. 

And I’m not the only one who meets men in interesting ways. I have a friend who met her husband in an airport. He was from New Zealand, traveling on business. She was from the Midwest, traveling for business/pleasure. They switched seats on the airplane so they could sit together. Now, they are married and live on a farm in New Zealand, surrounded by dogs and romantic bliss. 

You never know when or where love is going to find you. And I prefer it that way. The best things in life happen when you don’t see them coming. I mean, we live in a world where our schedules have schedules. I, for one, would like the universe to throw me a surprise party every once in a while. 

So…so long online dating. I’m going to take my chances with fate instead. 

PS…I guess now is the time to tell you I broke up with the college sweetheart from blog posts past. He was a great kisser, hilariously funny, and someone I’m grateful to have known. I wish him nothing but the best.

1 Comment

Show Buttons
Hide Buttons