Posts Tagged ‘THANK YOU BABY J’

i was wrong. there is a hell.

Dear God…and/or Baby J,

It’s me…the immaculate one. Not the immaculate one…the really clean one. Anyway, you know who I am. I’d like to talk to you about hair. And hell.

You know, all this time, I’ve had your back. When everyone else was all fire, brimstone, and eternal damnation, I was like “Pffftttt…y’all are getting punked.” Remember when my teacher told the entire preschool class they were going to hell if they didn’t behave? And I screamed, “IF THERE WAS A HELL, MY MOM WOULDA TOLD ME!,” staged a coup and encouraged a band of four-year-olds to run for their lives? I got kicked out of Pre-K for you.

Now I’m beginning to think there is a hell. It’s the two weeks before every hair appointment. And I don’t mean to second guess your infinite wisdom, but I was just wondering why you designed gray hair to come in one hair at a time. Like Chinese water torture. Drip drip drip. Just enough to drive a girl completely out of her mind. If you had, for example, manufactured it to grow in all at once…kinda like one of those dolls where you crank their arm and new hair comes out…then I wouldn’t have to spend what (so far) feels like eternity in a hairdresser’s chair. Not to mention, I’ve spent so much on hair color, highlights, lowlights, and toner that I could’ve put the entire Jolie-Pitt clan through college. And now I’m just waiting for the day when I can retire from the whole damn hair-coloring process and live out my days as a white-hot Heloise.

Isn’t it enough that I had to grow up, say goodbye to the blonde of my youth, start paying bills, and face the harsh realities of life? I have to see things like baby birds die. My hair has to suffer, too? 

Just so you don’t strike me down, maybe I should say thanks for the things you’ve done that are pretty cool. Thanks for giving the Jones women pretty fabulous gray hair…at least I have that to look forward to 10 years and 100 hair appointments from now. And crickets. Crickets are pretty cool. Good call. I’d also like to say thanks for fabric softener, ice cream trucks, Peter Gabriel, Jesus band-aids, DVR’s, ex-boyfriends, soap in the shape of things, Twitter, forgiveness, and sliced bread.

See you on the flip side,